My youngest is mini me in terms of both looks and personality. This means I am often watching the mistakes that I have and sometimes still make through an outside perspective in her actions. Recently, I have been noticing her response to her own expectations and how I have had to change my own management of expectations along the way and recently had to manage this with her.
This past Memorial Day weekend, there was a breakdown in expectations. We were both excited to be spending the weekend with some amazing family friends at their lake house. My daughters spend a couple of weeks every summer with this family at the lake house. Typically she is excited to go and there are lots of things to do - the most important of which for them is spending time with their friends.
When we arrived there for the weekend, my youngest looked a little bit nervous. It was a startling switch from the child who had been counting down the minutes to arriving for a weekend of fun to nervous. I asked what the problem was, and she replied “but I want to go swimming.” Well we can go swimming off the pier. And then she said, “but I want to go swimming with my cupcake floatie”. Well you can go swimming off the pier with your cupcake floatie. We went back and forth like this a few times and finally came up with “I want to ride on the boat to the middle of the lake so that I do not feel the seaweed while I swim and be able to swim with my cupcake.” This was a very specific request that I did not understand from her original - “I am so excited to jump in the lake.”
As we talked this through, it became clear that our trip was not going to be successful unless we met this very specific rigid expectation. So, I did everything I could to make it happen. We even finally got ourselves on the boat with the cupcake floatie on the boat, and then it started to storm. We tried again later that day and had to get off the water because there was lightning…so I promised we would go the next day before we went home.
Well, the next morning, it was still raining and only about 50 degrees. When I mentioned the weather, she was very clear that it did not matter and that she still wanted to go. So we waited a bit for the weather to clear, and it just wasn't clearing. I offered that we could make this wish happen on the next trip up, but this was not going to be good enough to meet her expectations. So I told her that we could go, and I would let her jump in, but she would be freezing. And we agreed. So we got on the boat with our friends when it was maybe 55 degrees, windy and had cold misting rain, and drove out into the lake. And she jumped into the water with her cupcake floatie and swam until she decided it was too cold and felt like her trip was made.
This experience reminded me of something for myself - like my youngest child, I also have often had clear ideas in my head of what I need for many things ... and I think many of us do. This may be what it means to be successful or how I will know I have made it, what exact steps I need to reach a goal, what a role or career should be like, etc. This can be a problem because when a situation does not exactly meet our expectations, then even if it is great, it doesn’t seem great.
So there are a couple of tactics we can use to handle this…
The first is to clearly communicate expectations. This is what I encouraged my 9 year old to do. Once she was able to clarify and clearly communicate all that she expected, I was able to do everything I could to meet that expectation. Even though it wasn’t what I think would have been the most important experience at the lake, we were able to do what she needed to do to feel like it was a wonderful trip. When we fully present our clear expectations, it is easier for others to help us meet them.
The second is to shift our mindset about expectations. This one, in my opinion, is harder to do. Instead of thinking I must have this very long list of things to be happy, I can shift to if I at least have this thing, then I can be happy. For my little one, this might have been ‘if I can at least swim with my cupcake this time and swim with my cupcake in the middle of the lake I can be happy.’ Shifting from a rigid mindset of "I must have everything on my list to be happy" to a more adaptable mindset of "I can find happiness with what I have" can lead to greater contentment and resilience. This allows us to appreciate what we do have and increase our positive outlook.
The third tactic is woven into the other two - flexibility. When we are able to be flexible about our expectations our chance of finding joy increases. This is because flexibility allows us to adjust to unexpected circumstances and find satisfaction even when things don't go as planned. My daughter had some flexibility in not needing an 80 degree sunny day, but did not have much flexibility beyond that.
I have used these tactics myself to find balance with my work and life. When my children were little,I had an expectation of myself that I would be at every event to which parents were invited. I found myself only feeling not good enough when this just was not possible. Most often, the reason for this was that we did not receive enough notice for me to adjust my schedule. When I did move my schedule, I sometimes felt frustrated by the amount of effort it took and how little they seemed to care. When I asked them, I learned though that my girls did not actually care if I was at everything. They were however clear that there were certain things they wanted me and/or my husband to attend. So I shifted my expectation of myself………..My expectation now is that I will do my best to be at the events my girls indicate are important AND if I cannot make it, then we will find something else special to do. This has required me to be flexible in my mindset and has allowed me to be flexible with my schedule and activities. I have also clearly communicated this expectation to my girls. They now know that I will do my best and if I cannot be there, it is okay because we will find another special time.
Applying these tactics has helped me find balance in both work and personal life. By communicating clearly, shifting mindset, and embracing flexibility, we increase our chances of finding joy in every situation.
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