Control: The Hardest Lesson I’ve Had to Learn
- Santina Wheat
- Sep 18
- 4 min read
One of the hardest things I’ve had to manage — as both a physician and as a mom — is control.
More specifically, learning how to let go of control.
For years, every time someone gave me that advice — “Just let it go” — I would feel this drop in the pit of my stomach. My shoulders would creep up just a little bit higher. Because here’s the truth: I didn’t know how.
I didn’t know how to stop the worry.I didn’t know how to release the rigidity.I didn’t know how to just move on.
And yet, life kept teaching me that lesson over and over.
When Parenthood Broke My Illusion of Control
I’ll never forget what one of my faculty members said to me when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter.
He smiled and said, “I can’t wait to see what parenthood does to you, because you are not going to have this much control anymore.”
And he was absolutely right.
Parenthood was the biggest crash course of my life in realizing that I could not control absolutely everything. Babies don’t follow schedules. Kids get sick at the most inconvenient times. Plans get derailed.
It was uncomfortable. Frustrating. Sometimes even heartbreaking. But it was also one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned: control is an illusion.
Why “Let It Go” Never Worked for Me
Even after that, though, I still didn’t love the advice to “just let it go.”
Because here’s the thing: I didn’t know how. Letting go felt like free-falling. It made my chest tight. It made my body tense.
And as a physician, a leader, and a mom, I carried this deep sense of responsibility. People were depending on me. How could I just let go when outcomes mattered so much?
That’s when I realized something important: it’s not about letting go of everything. It’s about shifting what you focus your control on.
What I Can’t Control
There are so many things outside my control:
Someone else’s response in a difficult conversation.
Whether I or my family members get sick.
Whether a colleague follows through on what I’ve asked.
Whether I get that promotion or that paper accepted — because those are decisions made by someone else.
And watching those things unfold, sometimes without being able to influence them, can be maddening.
But fighting for control in those areas never worked. It only drained me.
What I Can Control
What I realized is this: no matter what the scenario is, no matter what the outcome is… I can always control my response.
That was the game changer.
I can choose whether to scream, to cry, or to stew over it endlessly.I can choose whether to distract myself or spiral into overthinking.I can choose whether to take a breath before responding, to invite curiosity, to ask questions, to reflect.
When I realized that my energy was better spent controlling my response instead of the situation, everything shifted.
Building the Capacity to Respond Well
Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Sometimes you feel too tired. Too hungry. Too sick. Too overwhelmed. And in those moments, responding thoughtfully feels impossible.
But that’s where practice comes in. For me, a few things helped me build that capacity:
Taking a breath before responding. Sometimes it’s 30 seconds. Sometimes it’s a day. That pause creates space.
Inviting curiosity. Asking, “Why might this decision have been made?” instead of jumping straight to judgment.
Checking my stories. Making sure I’m not telling myself a narrative that isn’t true.
Reflecting afterward. Looking back and asking, “Was that how I want to respond next time?”
Over time, these practices helped me step away from rigidity and toward intentionality.
The Reframe
Control isn’t about managing every variable in life.
Control is about managing yourself — your energy, your choices, your words, your responses.
And that shift? That’s where freedom lies.
As a physician, as an educator, and as a leader, this matters more than we often realize. Because the way we manage our own control — especially our ability to pause, respond thoughtfully, and choose curiosity — directly impacts how the people around us learn to handle pressure and uncertainty.
If we want to model resilience for our students, our residents, our colleagues, or even our kids, then we have to show them what it looks like to release the illusion of controlling everything — and instead invest in controlling what truly matters: ourselves.
Final Thought
Control is hard. It always will be. But the next time you feel yourself tightening up, remind yourself:
You don’t have to control everything.You don’t have to “just let it go.”You only have to take the next breath.
And from there, choose your response.
That’s where your power is.
Want Support in Building This Skill?
If this resonates with you, I’d love to invite you to my free on-demand masterclass:Simple Practices to Create Calm in a Demanding Career.
In it, I walk you through practical strategies to reduce stress, create more breathing room in your day, and build the capacity to respond instead of react.
Because control isn’t about managing everything — it’s about reclaiming your energy, your calm, and your ability to choose how you show up.
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