It’s Not Always About You: Choose Curiosity Over Assumptions

One of the hardest—and most freeing—things I’ve had to learn over the years is this: it’s not all about me.

That might sound obvious, but if you’ve ever found yourself lying awake replaying a conversation, wondering why someone didn’t respond to your email, or why your application got rejected, you know how easy it is to assume we’re the problem. We tell ourselves stories:

• They must be upset because of something I did.

• Maybe I’m just not good enough.

• It must have been that one awkward thing I said.

Our brains love to fill in the gaps when we don’t have information—but the stories we create aren’t always true. And often, they keep us stuck, anxious, and disconnected from others.

There’s a reason people joke about the word “assume” making an ass out of “u” and “me.” But it isn’t just a funny saying—it’s a real reminder that assumptions rarely serve us. So what can we do instead? The answer, I’ve learned, is to approach situations with curiosity rather than judgment.

A family story: the missing invitation

Recently, my family brought back a gathering that used to be an annual tradition before the pandemic put it on pause. We were excited to reconnect and invited the usual group. But as the date approached, we started getting messages:

• “Hey, just checking—are we invited?”

• “I didn’t get an invite, but heard others did.”

It turned out that several invitations either landed in spam folders or, somehow, weren’t sent at all. We felt awful knowing some people thought they’d been left out. But here’s what struck me most: we were so grateful they reached out to ask instead of just assuming they’d been excluded.

If they hadn’t asked, they might have quietly felt hurt or distanced themselves. Instead, by approaching with curiosity—“Did you mean to invite us?”—they opened the door to connection, reassurance, and a happy reunion.

What this looks like at work

This lesson shows up everywhere, but especially in professional life, where so much is outside our control—and where silence can easily feel like rejection.

A while ago, someone reached out to me about a role, knowing I was open to change. I applied, but within minutes, I got an automated rejection. Old me might have assumed:

• They must have changed their mind about me.

• Maybe I’m not as qualified as I thought.

But I reached out and explained what happened. It turned out the job had already been filled, and the system auto-rejected everyone who applied afterward. They felt bad the system made it look so harsh, and we had a great conversation about other roles that might be a fit.

If I had just assumed it was about me and stayed silent, I might have missed those new opportunities—and carried unnecessary self-doubt.

The power of asking for feedback

Another time, I submitted a proposal to work on a research project. When it was turned down, my first instinct was disappointment. But instead of getting stuck there, I reached out to ask for feedback.

Their feedback was thoughtful and specific, and it helped me revise my proposal and resubmit. The next time, I was accepted. The difference wasn’t that I magically became better overnight—it was that I chose curiosity over self-criticism.

Helping others do the same

In my coaching work, I see this all the time. Clients apply for positions and get no response—or a rejection—and immediately assume it’s because they aren’t good enough or that they “failed.” But when we dig deeper, we often find different explanations:

• The organization already had an internal candidate.

• The job posting closed early.

• There was a mismatch between their CV and the automated screening system.

By encouraging them to ask for feedback, they can improve future applications, identify skill gaps to fill, or simply realize it wasn’t personal. And even when feedback isn’t possible, choosing curiosity (“What else could explain this?”) is far gentler—and far more useful—than assuming the worst.

Why it’s so hard to stop the assumptions

It’s normal to make assumptions; it’s part of how our brains work. When we lack information, we fill in the blanks. Unfortunately, those blanks usually get colored by our fears and insecurities rather than reality.

And especially for those of us in caring professions—or those who value relationships—it’s easy to turn everything inward:

• They didn’t smile at me in the hall; did I do something wrong?

• They haven’t replied to my email; are they upset?

Often, the truth is simpler: they’re stressed, distracted, or dealing with something that has nothing to do with us.

How to practice curiosity instead

Here are a few small practices I’ve found helpful—and that I often share with clients:

1. Notice the assumption.

Pause and ask yourself: What story am I telling myself right now?

2. List other explanations.

Challenge yourself to come up with three alternative reasons something happened. Most times, those reasons have nothing to do with you.

3. Ask, if you can.

Reach out kindly: “Hey, I noticed X—just wanted to check in.” This often brings relief and clarity.

4. Remember your worth isn’t at stake.

Rejection, delays, or misunderstandings don’t define your value. They’re part of every professional and personal journey.

Final thoughts

It’s not all about you—and that’s good news.

When we step out of our heads and choose curiosity over assumption, we open doors:

• To deeper understanding.

• To growth and improvement.

• And to connection with others—even when mistakes or oversights happen.

In the end, letting go of the belief that everything is about us isn’t just an act of humility—it’s an act of freedom.