The Hidden We Carry: Redefining Ourselves Beyond Others’ Opinions

I was recently listening to a new song where the singer describes how this unnamed person’s obsession with her is “actually romantic”—that she views the attention as flattering. It’s written about a broken relationship, which migh be friendship or romantic. As I listened, I couldn’t help hearing it differently. The theme of being seen, judged, and defined by someone else’s fixation felt strikingly familiar to another kind of relationship: the ones we navigate at work.

In medicine, and especially in academic medicine, relationships can be intense and complicated. The culture often pushes us toward competition—vying for promotions, recognition, leadership roles, or the best candidates. And in that kind of environment, competition can sometimes twist into comparison. We see the subtle undercutting, the comments meant as advice but carrying an edge: “You’re not ready.” “You’ll be back.”

Those moments can sting, but they also reveal something else: that others are watching, that you’ve made a choice or taken a step they’re still processing. It’s easy to internalize their words, but the truth is, how others see us may be interesting information, yet it shouldn’t become our definition.

Learning to Decenter External Validation

Early in our careers, many of us learn to calibrate our worth by external measures: grades, evaluations, publications, titles. Feedback becomes currency. Praise fuels momentum; criticism when not constructive slows it. We grow accustomed to seeing ourselves reflected in other people’s opinions, and when those opinions are harsh or dismissive, it can rattle our sense of belonging.

But what if we paused before absorbing those messages? What if we asked: Does this feedback reflect me, or does it reflect them?

Sometimes, a colleague’s comment says more about their own insecurities, regrets, or unspoken grief than it does about our readiness or capability. The fear of being left behind, of change, of shifting power – all of these play out subtly in academic spaces that prize stability and tradition. When someone questions your path, it’s not always about you.

There’s freedom in realizing that. It doesn’t mean we stop listening. It means we listen with discernment. We can notice patterns, reflect on what’s useful, and release the rest. That practice, of staying grounded in our own values rather than others’ opinions, is an act of self-preservation in a culture that often confuses busyness with worth and visibility with value.

Finding Grounding in Reflection, Connection, and Purpose

So how do we stay steady when surrounded by noise, judgment, or subtle competitiveness?

It starts with reflection. Creating moments of quiet – not for productivity, but for presence – helps us reconnect with why we do this work in the first place. Sometimes that means journaling, sometimes a walk after clinic, sometimes five minutes in the car before heading home. The question to ask isn’t “What did they think?” but “What felt aligned with who I want to be?”

Then, connection. We need to surround ourselves with truth-tellers and supporters; people who remind us of our strengths when we forget. The best mentors and colleagues are those who hold up a mirror not to distort, but to clarify. They help us see ourselves as whole, not as a collection of performance metrics or mistakes.

And finally, purpose. The more clearly we define our own values, the less likely we are to be shaken by others’ opinions. Purpose provides an anchor. For me, that anchor has been remembering that my role in academic medicine isn’t to be everything to everyone. It’s to help others grow while staying human myself.

When I filter my choices through that lens, the commentary around me quiets. The noise fades into background. What remains is the work that matters: caring, teaching, connecting.

Letting Go of How Others See Us

When we define ourselves through others’ eyes, we build fragile foundations. Every opinion, every whisper, every evaluation has the power to destabilize us.

But when we build from within, grounded in reflection, connection, and purpose, we become far more resilient.

It doesn’t mean the sting of unfair comments disappears. It means they lose their power to shape who we believe ourselves to be.

I’ve learned that sometimes, being talked about is simply a sign that we’ve shifted something, maybe in ourselves, maybe in the system. Growth often unsettles those who have grown comfortable.

So yes, people may still say, “You’re not ready.” They may predict your return, doubt your choices, or frame your success as luck. But you don’t have to take that in. You can thank them for their perspective, and keep going.

Because ultimately, your worth isn’t defined by who notices you, it’s defined by how you notice yourself.

Originally published with SoMeDocs here